


Nuke Possum Springs

by DustyTales



Series: Ghost on the Dance Floor [5]
Category: Nightwing (Comics), The Flash - All Media Types, Titans (TV 2018), Young Justice - All Media Types
Genre: Dimension Travel, Dissociation, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Smoking, Speed Force, Time Travel
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-20
Packaged: 2020-05-01 20:30:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 5,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19185019
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DustyTales/pseuds/DustyTales
Summary: Wally West spent five years adrift in the speed force, most of that time unsure if he'd ever get home again.He tries to pretend like he's fine, because he wants to be fine.But Dick Grayson sees right through him every time.





	1. Just Shapes

**Author's Note:**

> This one gets weird, so strap in kiddos. If anything Wally says seems confusing and disjointed, don't worry, this is only part one of this lovely adventure into the weird stuff I used the Speed Force as an excuse to do to Wally ;)

Anyone who thought that Wally West was completely unaffected by spending five years lost in the speed force was either completely naive, or completely taken in by Wally's cocky, unflappable facade.

And don't kid yourself, it's very much a facade.

It had the Titans fooled for a little while, but they hadn't known him before the incident. They didn't know that Wally's twitches, ticks, and fidgeting weren't  _ normal _ for him. They had just figured it was part of being a speedster; not being able to sit still.

But this was different, and the signs didn't escape Dick, the men had known each other too long. But he held his tongue at first, unsure what support he could offer given Wally refused to talk about his time away. So Dick bit his lip and waited, hoping his partner would be willing to open up to him eventually.

But one hot night in June, Dick couldn't justify waiting anymore.

Wally got up and out of bed for "fresh air" on the balcony nearly every night. He'd requested to be left alone, and Dick really had tried to respect his wishes. If Wally woke Dick crawling out of bed at 2 am or so, he'd do as Wally asked and go back to sleep and let Wally have his space. And thus the older man slipped out of the master bedroom and out into the kitchen where the small, iron gated patio overlooked the city. Nearly every night when Dick heard the door to the patio click shut he'd consider following Wally, and every night he'd reluctantly turn over and close his eyes again. He'd rarely get back to sleep until Wally slipped back into bed beside him, and they both pretended not to notice.

But tonight was different. Tonight Dick had heard Wally grab something out of one of the kitchen drawers before stepping outside.

It was a hot summer night, but suddenly Dick was sweltering under the covers as panic gripped his chest. He rolled out of bed, uncaring as he stumbled out of his room in his boxers, because all he could hear was his brain blaring  **_Wally is in danger._ **

Dick wasn't really sure what he'd expected to find on the balcony, (Wally cutting himself? Wally tying a noose to a tree branch? He really wasn't sure what the panic signals had been trying to tell him) but the redhead hunched over the metal bars of the balcony lighting a cigarette was not it.

Wally's eyebrows shot up, frozen with the cigarette between his lips and his only movement his trembling hand with a lit match still held between his fingers. The two maintained eye contact for what felt like hours, and it was only Wally swearing and flicking the match away as it burned too low that broke the tension.

Wally dropped his gaze than, taking a long drag from his cigarette and blowing the smoke out his nose. Dick noticed that as the smoke left his body, Wally stopped trembling.

"When did you start smoking?" Dick asked, feeling slow and dumb.

Wally let out a sigh that held a weight Dick couldn't even imagine, and leaned back against the railing. It took a few seconds for him to meet his boyfriend's eyes.

"You don't even understand how hard a question that is to answer." Wally finally forced out. 

His eyes were dull, and his gaze was miles away.

"Than help me understand," Dick pleaded, still rooted to his spot in the doorway, "You're scaring me, Wally."

The red head closed his eyes for a second, taking another fortifying draw of smoke, before nodding. When his eyes opened, they were clearer; still glassy, but focused on the man in front of him now.

"Sit with me," Wally offered, motioning to the single plastic patio chair shoved in the opposite corner.

The other man sat down, waiting nervously as Wally shifted. The speedster scooted down the railing enough to be across from his boyfriend, turning his head away when ever he blew smoke. Dick was somewhat comforted by the fact the distance was meant as a courtesy, not an act of rejection.

Wally spoke slowly when he began, something very unlike him.

"I knew I'd have to explain this all to you someday, but I guess I was hoping time would help me find the words…" Wally let out another sigh, and he looked so very tired Dick's heart clenched. "It's like a big tangled knot of wire. Not only do I not know how to start untangling it, I'm not even sure how many pieces of wire there are, and trying to pull it all apart is bleeding my fingers raw."

"Start wherever feels the least painful," Dick suggested, "And we'll work from there."

Wally nodded, eyes wet but holding stubbornly onto his tears.

"So, to start with… I didn't experience time nearly the same way when I was gone. It wasn't anywhere near five years for me."

Dick blinked in shock, but held his tongue.

Wally nodded in appreciation. "When I left this… when I died, or when we had thought I died, I became part of the speed force. I told you that part. But I wasn't surfing it like a wave, not like you said, I stopped being a physical being. I was pure energy… I still don't understand how the speed force didn't suck me up and shred me apart ..." he pulled the cigarette from his mouth long enough to scrub a hand over his face, than quickly took a long drag like it was his life line.

Dick had to make a conscious effort not to let how distressing he found the display show on his face.

"Anyway…" Wally began again, seeming more composed now, "I thought I was dead. All speedsters know if you go too fast, that's it. You're done. But somehow I became energy, part of the speed force, while still remaining… whole. My head gets fuzzy when I think too hard about it. But because I thought I was dead, and I wasn't… solid, I couldn't perceive much. Just light, and color and no feeling. But eventually I realized I was moving. And if I was moving I could  _ stop.  _ So I dug in my heels, and suddenly I was  _ real  _ again."

Wally had begun to pace, motioning wildly with his hand as he spoke.

"I felt the physical world crash into me, all at once. Not just object, sights, and smells, but  _ reality.  _ Because I didn't come out in the same time line I left from, and time space doesn't like that one bit. This time line I had smashed into already  _ had  _ a Wally West, so the universe tried to make us  _ one _ and make it  _ right _ . His memories flooded me, years of them shot into my brain in a millisecond. It had only felt like minutes to me, because time dilates close to the speed of light, but I'd been running for three years! I'd been pure  _ energy  _ for three years so the speed force didn't wanna let me  _ go _ . So it smashed me  _ physically _ into that time line's Wally, and the force meant we  _ absorbed parts of each other.  _ He knew where I was from, and I knew who he was! Which was good, because I immediately vomited from over stimulation and went into a coma for about a month."

Wally laughed mirthlessly, tears finally leaving his eyes. He turned his gaze back to Dick, and something he saw there must have emboldened him, because he pressed on.

"The kid knew who I was, so he took me to Batman. He thought I was him from the future from what he managed to get from me, but… he was a very different kid. The three years I'd been running hit me like a truck, I aged all at once when I became physical again, and I guess a 22 year old looks old enough to a 16 year old to seem like a wise man from the future. This kid, this Wally, he goes by our middle name, Rudy. Guess his version of Pops wasn't so bad. But Rudy… he was messed up. Bitter, angry, only worked alone, kid had  _ snake bites." _

Dick blinked rapidly, trying to keep up. Even when they were kids the idea of Wally with a lip piercing seemed out of character.

"But he helped you?" Dick questioned.

"Yeah," Wally continued, visibly relieved Dick was understanding him, "He acted like a brat the whole time, but he helped me. My body was nearly run to death I'd been in the speed force for so long, so it was nearly 6 months before I was healthy enough to look for a way home. But the only person I felt like I could trust to help me figure out this speed force shit was Barry. And  _ their  _ Barry Allen died when Rudy was 12, leaving Rudy his world's only Flash."

"Which is why Rudy is so different from you," Dick added, "He didn't have an Uncle Barry."

Wally nodded solemnly. "Exactly. So I just had to take a shot. Try to make the jump, and hope this time I landed back home." The redhead sighed, looking out over the railing to the street lights below. "But I missed. I missed 4 more times. And lost 2 more years of my life in what felt like a millisecond."

Wally had burned his cigarette down to the filter at this point, but even as the embers died out, he kept it between his lips. Dick stepped up behind him, wrapping his arms around the taller man's waist and kissing his boyfriend's bare shoulder.

"But you're safe now," Dick muttered into the freckled skin, "Maybe you're not the same person you were, but different isn't bad. This can become our new normal."

Wally nodded slowly, placing both hands on top of Dick's where they were folded just above his navel.

"I got it from Rudy," Wally said suddenly, yellow filter bobbing between his lips as he spoke, "When we crashed into each other, his habit became mine. He started smoking at 12. And that's what I  _ feel.  _ But that became part of me when I was 22."

Dick hummed in acknowledgment, stretching up to rest his chin on Wally's shoulder.

"Coming home must be disorienting," he muttered sympathetically.

"More than that." Wally struggled in a quivering voice, the cigarette butt finally falling from between his teeth, "I don't feel  _ real _ anymore. I've felt what it feels like to exist in a non physical state, and I can't put the genie back in the bottle. It's like I'm looking in on my life from the outside, just a casual observer because none of it really exists. Like when I was part of the speed force… just colors dancing before my eyes. None of it matters. None of it sinks in. It's all just… shapes."

Dissociation. Severe Dissociation, at that. Dick filed that information away, reminding himself to talk to Wally about getting in to see a psychiatrist.

But not tonight. For now, the deeper issues could wait.

Dick nuzzled the hairs on the back of Wally's neck, smiling when he felt Wally hum contentedly. "I know you have nightmares." He hedged gently, "You've been through hell and back, and you don't have to be ashamed of your scars. All of us have scars."

Wally was silent for a long moment. "Mine might be a lot bigger though, Dickie. More twisted." 

"Hey," Dick said with authority, turning Wally's head to force eye contact, "Then we'll work through it together."

Wally smiled, eyes glistening with unshed tears. He leaned forward until their foreheads touched. "I love you, blue bird."

Dick smiled back, never getting tired of Wally's silly nicknames. He pressed forward just enough to brush their lips together. "And I love  _ you,  _ Wally. Tangled wires and all."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The title is a reference to the game Night in the Woods, a story with pretty heavy themes of dissociation. It's a good game and you should play it.  
> The idea of people "just being shapes" is a line lifted directly from a scene of the main character trying to explain her dissociation. Expect more refrences to come as we explore Wally's PTSD
> 
> Also I'm tempted to write a little bit of Wally's time adrift (and with Rudy) in first person, but I know I'd likely never finish a story arc that large so we'll have to see.


	2. The Hole at the Center of Everything

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, the night won't let them sleep.

After that night on the balcony, Wally no longer pretended he didn't smoke. He'd sheepishly admitted he only smoked when he was on campus when he could help it, and while he said it was because he knew Dick hated the smell, it was rather obvious he was ashamed.   
But the family didn't blink an eye; everyone needed something to soothe their nerves.  
It didn't come up again until Wally's midterms began to creep up on him, and Dick bore witness to something Wally had hidden during crunch time in his previous semesters: though Wally wasn't a heavy smoker under normal circumstances, when he was stressed, he became a chain smoker.  
Dick tried to swallow his worry as his boyfriend sucked more and more tar into his body, but Wally's nicotine intake had nearly tripled, and it was having physical consequences. The man's skin grew paler, purple bags under his eyes growing darker with each passing day. His appetite plummeted, but the hacking smoker's cough Wally began to develop was the last straw for Dick: he would not let the man he loved kill himself.  
Dick dove into research on nicotine addiction and smoking replacements, reminding himself that vaping had come into the mainstream while Wally was off world. Most traditional vaping had Dick curling his nose; juuls had even higher nicotine outputs than cigarettes, and complex vaping setups would not be any better.  
Dick eventually realized that only e-cigarettes were built to be a tool to help stop smoking, while the rest seemed like a tool to get kids to smoke. He forced down his rising rage against the tobacco industry though: He wasn't going to be the one to change that  
Dick ordered Wally a rechargeable electronic cigarette, and it came just a few days after exam week ended. Wally was so shocked and grateful for the gift he nearly cried, and his health rapidly began to change.  
After about a week, his cough went away. By a month Wally had stopped snoring. Even if nicotine addiction was still a huge part of Wally's life, his lungs were improving, and Dick was beside himself with relief.  
The family came to affectionately call Wally's e-cigarette his "dummy," partly because it was a dummy, or fake, cigarette, but mostly because the redhead had a tendency to suck on it like a pacifier. Whenever Wally was working on something, be it school, drawing, or anything else, he held his dummy between his lips, the end lighting up a comical green whenever he took a drag. But more often than not, Wally would hold it between his teeth and only take puffs every few hours, the feeling of having it there enough to help curb his cravings.  
Wally acknowledged he didn't think he could ever fully give up smoking, but since Wally's new doctor ensured him quitting completely wasn't the best strategy right now, Dick didn't worry too much about it. He liked Wally's new psychologist, and trusted her judgement.  
She had diagnosed Wally with Complex PTSD shortly after they began their sessions, and while medication helped Wally's jittery disposition, talk therapy was his main treatment at the moment. It was clear it was helping; Wally's smiles had become less strained as the weeks went by, and his sleep was clearly less disturbed.  
But recovery wasn't linear. It never would be, and Dick became progressively more distressed by the fact Wally's anxiety was actually getting worse.  
When Wally was having one of his better days, he'd been able to find the words to explain why it looked so much worse from the outside.  
"When I first came home I felt… pretty much nothing," the redhead explained, curled up in bed with his partner, "It was more than just numbness, it was total detachment from my body. Everything felt monotonous and the same. Feeling absolutely nothing like that is so much worse than right now, but I guess it's easier to pretend to be okay when you're detached."  
"I'm glad it feels better," Dick muttered half-heartedly, "You know that. And if having manic and depressive episodes is part of your life now, we'll figure it out. I'm here for you. It just feels… counterintuitive... that treatment is giving you more panic attacks."  
"I know it's scary to see," Wally answered, running his fingers comfortingly through Dick's hair, "But I just need you to trust me when I say it is better. I'd much rather peak and dip like this than watch life flying past without being able to take it in. I'm having four, maybe five bad days a month. It used to be almost every day. So even if the bad days are harsher, I feel like I spend less time broken and more time as me."  
"You're not broken," Dick said firmly, kissing the tip of his boyfriend's nose. "Try again."  
At the urging of both their doctors, the two men had agreed to help each other stop being so self-deprecating. They'd realized rather quickly that it was a lot easier said than done, but their new tactic of "no, try again" seemed to help more than trying to stop cold turkey.  
Wally let out a deep sigh, pondering his rephrase.   
"I feel like I spend more time as an active part of my own life and less time locked inside my own head."  
"Better," Dick agreed, giving Wally a quick peck as a reward. 

Life in the house rolled on, and the family continued to heal. None of them were without scars, and that solidarity brought them strength in and of itself.  
Rachel still had episodes. Some nights Garfield still woke up screaming. Sometimes Kori saw something on the job she could only process by drinking through till morning until Dick got up for work and put her to bed. Some mornings Dick had to cover the bathroom mirror with a towel to take a shower. Some rare days Wally smoked until he threw up.  
Some days after band practice Dick would see kids sniggering at Gar's back as the boy climbed into the van. Some days he'd come home from work to find Kori setting a teary-eyed Rachel on the bathroom counter and telling her how beautiful she is. Sometimes Kori needed to hear that she didn't have to be human to be worth being loved. And some days even tactile Dick Grayson felt so wrong in his skin he couldn't stand to be touched.  
And some nights, like tonight, Wally had nightmares so hard for him he woke dull eyed and shaking.  
Waking from a nightmare screaming was not an uncommon occurrence in the Grayson household. Night terrors happened to all of them at least sometimes. When it was one of the kids, either Dick or Kori would scramble out of bed to comfort them. It really was just based on who heard it and who got up first, but if the two adults ran into each other in the hallway, Kori would shoo Dick to bed with a "you have work in the morning" and slip into their child's bedroom to wrap them up in her arms.  
Anyone who thought that Dick dating Wally meant Kori wasn't Garfield and Rachel's mother was dead wrong.  
The adults had nightmares too, of course, and they dealt with them into their own way.  
Kori had requested to be left alone, so on the rare nights whimpers of fitful sleep drifted from under her doorway, the family let out a collective sigh, and let it be.  
Dick tended to toss and turn when his dreams were unpleasant, waking Wally and causing the older man to gently wake his partner as well. Sometimes Dick would feel guilty for waking him and mumble out apologies, sometimes he'd cry, sometimes he'd just cling to him silently. Regardless, Wally would hold him, and Dick would eventually relax.  
Wally, however, tended to suffer from sleep paralysis. Night terrors would bleed into wakefulness, and Wally would wake board-stiff and unable to move. Sights and sounds would bombard his senses as he lay frozen, still dreaming, but eyes locked unblinking to the ceiling. The handful of short minutes it took for Wally to force himself into full wakefulness could feel like hours, and often he would jump, scream, or gasp as he finally regained control.  
Usually Wally's fear reaction at fully waking was enough to rouse Dick, but tonight was different.  
Dick had fallen asleep with his head pillowed on Wally's chest, so when Wally's body snapped tight like a bow string, the jolt tugged the darker skinned man into wakefulness. Dick grumbled as he woke, pulling himself up just enough to make eye contact with Wally, intending to ask him what was wrong.  
What Dick saw snapped away the hanging grogginess from his mind.  
Wally's eyes were open, locked on the ceiling as rigidly as his body was locked in place. And yet he twitched in a way that seemed so wrong, eyes darting and trembling even as he blinked.  
Dick sat up and placed both hands on his boyfriend's shoulders, forcing himself to shake him gently and not frantically like he wanted to.  
"Wally. Wally, wake up." Dick whispered, afraid that speaking any louder would only scare his lover more.   
Dick had never seen Wally in the midst of paralysis before, only ever helped him through the aftermath. As the fear that gripped Dick's chest threatened to drown him, he could only imagine the terror his partner felt.  
Wally mumbled something intelligible, but did not wake.  
Dick shook him harder, beginning to panic. "Wally, baby, wake up! Wake up, sweetheart, you're okay."  
Wally gasped like a drowning man breaching the surface of the ocean, grasping out at Dick and bolting them both upright.  
Dick was squished awkwardly against Wally's chest, his legs tumbling out of his lap at an uncomfortable angle.   
But Dick didn't care right now: Wally was clutching him to his chest like Dick was his only life line, so the younger man wrapped his arms around his partner, and let himself he held. Wally shook, he shook so hard it became hard for the poor man to drag breathes in and out of his body, and Dick was nearly crushed by the panic in his chest.  
"Walls," he murmured close to his partner's ear, "Come back to me, Walls. I'm right here with you."  
Something about Dick's voice seemed to break something in Wally, and suddenly he began to sob. Something about tonight was different, and it was ripping Wally apart. Dick wasn't sure where to even begin to comfort him.  
As the redhead gasped and cried against his shoulder, Dick ran his hand soothingly along Wally's back, finding his skin cold and clammy. Wally was drenched in sweat, actually, so much so his hair was pasted to his forehead with it.   
That was a starting point, at least.  
"Can you talk to me, dear?" Dick asked, adjusting himself in Wally's lap so he could lean their foreheads together. Dick knew Wally found that position comforting, and hoped it would help bring his partner back to himself.   
Wally took in a few shuddering breaths, taking a long moment to force out the words: "Y-ye-eah."  
"That's it, darling." Dick cooed, running his fingers through Wally's sweaty hair, "Do you think you can stand up?"  
Wally swallowed thickly, blinking more tears rapidly from his eyes. "I-I do-dont- M-m-Maybe?"  
Dick nodded slowly, slipping off the bed to stand. "Your skin is freezing. I'm gonna run you a nice, hot bath. Does that sound okay? I can help you up."  
Now that he didn't have Dick's body to hide his face in, Wally began to wipe his eyes and nose. Rather than stuttering out another response, Wally just nodded.  
Dick wrapped an arm around Wally's shoulders, heaving the taller man to his feet but quickly taking most of his weight. Wally's legs shook under him, and it was clear he couldn't have walked under his own power. But Dick didn't give Wally time to think about that. He started moving almost immediately, and the two men limped slowly across their bedroom and into the hall.  
By the time they had made it out of their room, Wally had stopped crying, and his breathing was beginning to even. Dick was allowed to feel comforted by this only as long as it took a enter the bathroom, push down the toilet seat with his foot, and help Wally ease his shaking body into a sitting position. As soon as Dick could see his partner's face again, worry pinched his heart.  
Wally's eyes were glassy and vacant, and it was clear by his expression he was not processing anything around him anymore. Wally was dissociating. Hard.  
"Wally?" Dick prompted, voice as gentle as he could manage, "Are you with me, baby?"  
Wally muttered something unintelligible without his eyes ever focusing on Dick. The younger man sighed, and turned away.  
The house the family rented was old, which had its downsides, but the large, claw footed bathtub was certainly not one of them. Not many bathtubs could comfortably fit a man like Wally, who was 6'2", but both men had managed to squeeze in to bathe together more than once.  
Dick had no intention of getting in tonight, though. This was about Wally.  
As Dick put the stopper in the tub and began to fill it, he talked to Wally, hoping the sound of his voice might slowly pull his lover back from wherever his mind had gotten lost.  
"I'll get the water really steaming. I know how hot you like it." Dick narrated, standing to dig through the medicine cabinet, "I wonder if we have any of those bath bombs left… You liked those ones I picked up last month, didn't you, Walls? The ones that smelled like citrus?"  
Wally hummed affirmatively, and Dick was at least comforted by the fact he was listening. Asking him to choose a scent seemed like too much right now, so Dick picked one that reminded him of lemonade and sunshine and dropped it in the tub.  
Undressing Wally was somewhat awkward, more because the redhead was too out of it to have any coordination than anything to do with nudity. Dick had to catch Wally when he nearly tripped trying to get his underwear off his feet, but by the time the tub was full Wally was at least able to stand by himself, even if he swayed a bit on his feet.  
Dick held Wally's arm to help him ease into the tub, so he felt the tension begin to bleed from his partner as he sank into the hot, sudsy water. As Wally settled and leaned his head back against the lip of the tub, his eyes met Dick's, and he smiled ever so slightly. Though his eyes were still distant, they were no longer empty and sorrowful, so Dick began to relax as well.  
Without a word, Dick knelt down beside Wally, squinted some of his body wash on a washcloth, and began to bathe him.  
Dick started at Wally's shoulders and chest, gently scrubbing away the remnants of sweat and fear from the man's freckled skin. Wally made a soft noise of approval, letting out occasional contented hums as he let his eyes fall shut. Dick allowed himself to get lost in the act, enjoying the intimacy of it even in the absence of any sexual context.   
It was so long before Wally spoke again, it startled Dick from where he was down washing Wally's feet.  
"I don't suppose you'd let me have my dummy in the bathtub?" Wally asked. He finally looked present and focused, mischief dripping from his words despite the slight sadness in his smile.  
Dick had to fight the urge to blindly agree, he was so overjoyed to have Wally back with him. He didn't manage to swallow down his snigger, though.  
"I'm not sure if you dropping it would electrocuted us, so no. No smoking in the tub."  
"Damn you." Wally scoffed, but his expression was all affection.  
Dick stood and walked back around kneel by Wally's head and began washing his hair. Wally hummed louder this time, leaning back into his lover's touch as he massaged his scalp.  
"You're so damn good to me," The older man breathed reverently.  
Dick snorted, leaning down to kiss Wally's cheek and avoid the bubbles dripping down his temples. "Only as good as you are to me, handsome."  
Wally sighed, though his next words made it clear it was not the pleased sigh from before. "You don't go near comatose from nightmares and need someone to bathe you like a child."  
"No!" Dick said forcefully, flicking Wally on the head back of the head like a misbehaved pet. "There will be no pity party. I did this because I want to, not because you needed me to. We both know that if I hadn't been home you'd have figured it out. But I am home, so I wanted to help you feel better."  
Wally was silent for a long moment, so Dick went back to washing his hair. When he did speak again, he spoke slowly, choosing each word carefully.  
"It's Rudy in my nightmares. I hear his voice. He calls for help, but I'm not there to answer."  
Dick mutters for Wally to dunk his head under the water and rinse out the soap to give him a moment to form an answer. But when Wally reemerges from the water and shakes his hair from his eyes, Dick is still speechless.  
"You cared about him." Dick settles on, "I'm sure he knows that. Even if you're gone now, he has someone who cares, and that means something."  
Wally just shook his head, and words began to tumble from his mouth so quickly Dick had to focus to understand it all. "Dick, you don't understand. Whenever I jumped, I lost part of myself. I began to forget. I only have scattered memories of the last five years. I have bits and pieces of the other timelines I stumbled through, but Rudy I remember. Because we made a connection. Because he needed me. And I'm-" Wally sniffled and looked away, fighting back fresh tears. The next words came at a much more deliberate speed, but somehow Wally sounded even more broken. "The memories are getting fuzzy." He forced out, throat sounding tight with repressed sobs, "I don't wanna forget."  
Dick wrapped his arms around Wally's shoulders and hugged him, uncaring as Wally's wet hair soaked his shirt.  
"We'll get you a journal." Dick said firmly, "You can write it all down, all the people and places that are too important to forget. Than its real and part of our world and no one can take that away."  
Wally buried his face in Dick's neck, voice quivering. "Really wanna hold you right now."  
Dick hadn't planned to get in the bath, he truly hadn't, but he wasn't going to deny that kind of request. The water was only lukewarm at this point, but Dick didn't hesitate to strip and slip into the tub with the other man. The two slotted together easily, Dick seated in the hollow between Wally's long legs and leaning back against the paler man's chest. Wally wrapped his arms around Dick's waist and pulled him as close as he could, burying his nose in Dick's hair with a sigh.   
"I'll listen if you want to tell me more." Dick said, kissing at Wally's neck. "Or we can lay here until you're ready to go back to bed. Whatever helps."  
Wally hummed thoughtfully, rolling his jaw. After a moment, he continued.  
"I feel like I've seen too much." He admits, "Like I fucked up too bad and now the universe is trying to erase me. I did something against the rules of the universe, jumping between dimensions is not suppose to be possible. So I'm afraid… why if the universe is trying to absorb me? Forget I ever happened? What if-what if everyone else is forgetting me too?"  
"None of us forgot you when you were gone." Dick pointed out, "We have no reason to believe anyone else will forget you, either.   
PTSD causes memory loss, baby. Your doctor told you that."  
"Know that's the logical answer," Wally murmured, "I just can't shake the idea that the universe is forgetting me. And if Rudy forgets me… who else will he have?"  
Dick turned around in Wally's lap, uncaring how he had to twist his legs to meet his partner's gaze. "Rudy has you, Wally. Someone leaving doesn't erase the impact they made. And Rudy knows you're alive, that you went home. I'm sure he misses you, but he doesn't need to grieve. And if in the five years you were gone I never stopped missing those eyes…" Dick lifted a hand from the water to cup Wally's cheek, "I don't think there's any risk of Rudy forgetting you."  
Wally let his eyes fall shut, leaning into Dick's touch. "I never stopped missing you, either. It was the fear that I'd never see you again that made me realize that you're my whole world."  
Dick smiled, giving Wally a soft kiss. "High praise from a man who's seen the universe."  
Wally chuckled. "Yeah, well," he gave the younger man a kiss on the forehead, "doesn't make it any less true."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A lot of Wally's existential dread is based on this "poem" from Night in the Woods:
> 
> There is a hole at the center of everything  
> and it is always growing  
> Between the stars I am seeing it  
> It is coming  
> and you are not escaping  
> and the universe is forgetting you  
> and the universe is being forgotten  
> and there is nothing to remember it  
> Not even the things beyond  
> And now there is only the hole


End file.
